There comes a time in the life of every flabby, middle-aged tech columnist when he or she steps back, surveys the landscape, and asks him or herself two simple questions. The first is: “WTF?” And the second, which follows about three martinis later, is: “OMG WTF?”
As you may have guessed, Techeye recently experienced this moment of existential crisis. After pausing to review our life to date, we immediately logged on to Craigslist in the hope of swapping it for a new one.
An ad caught our attention. It read, “Wanted: fierce, bear-like nerd to serve as Chief Virtue Defender for the harem of the Sultan of Hairymanistan.” It seemed legit, so we applied and, following a brief Skype interview, the Sultan’s Grand Vizier offered us the job. It’s seven figures a year plus medical and dental benefits; all we have to do is fly to Yemen and the Grand Vizier will take care of the rest.
Long story short, Techeye has purchased a one-way ticket to Yemen, making this our last column ever. There may be another Techeye someday – after all, we inherited the mantle from a mad Irishman who had become obsessed with licking his own back – but it’s none of our concern. We’re going to be busy defending the virtue of a whole harem. Giggle.
Just for old time’s sake, let’s look at a couple of gadgets. Smartwatches, as you may have noticed, are the new hotness in consumer technology. For example, you’ll probably hear about Samsung’s new Gear smartwatch this week; Apple’s long-rumored iWatch might make an appearance in the near-ish future as well.
Those are just two examples though. There are plenty of other smartwatches to salivate over, such as Omate’s conveniently saliva-resistant TrueSmart watch.
The TrueSmart watch
Courtesy of Omate
TrueSmart’s value prop can be summarized in two phrases: “standalone” and “water-resistant.” The first part means the device is smart on its own, without relying on a smartphone. That’s something we didn’t see in first-gen smartwatches, which were a rather co-dependent lot. You can pair TrueSmart with a smartphone, and this provides greater functionality, but you’re not forced to do so.
The water-resistance aspect isn’t quite as exciting. You can take TrueSmart in water of up to a meter deep, but the touchscreen doesn’t work when wet. Still, consumers with drooling problems (a criminally underserved market segment) may rejoice.
TrueSmart uses Android OS, has a dual-core processor and lots of features, including a phone, camera, GPS, SOS device, etc. Expected retail price: $299.
Meanwhile, Casio’s G-Shock watch with Bluetooth (GB-6900B) is not as versatile as the TrueSmart, but what it lacks in smarts it makes up for with rubbery, shock-absorbing goodness.
The G-Shock watch with Blue-tooth (GB-6900B)
Courtesy of Casio
The GB-6900B displays call and text-message notifications from Android phones (iPhone owners should seek out the GB-5600A). It can also remotely control music playback, has a not-insignificant two-year battery life and is water resistant up to 200m. Oh, and it has all the usual G-Shock stuff, like alarms, a stopwatch and world time options.
We think the GB-6900B costs about $200, but as of press time it had mysteriously disappeared from Casio’s website and Techeye was too busy to investigate, as our new employer had sent us to get a “Columbian wax,” which is like the Brazilian kind, except the beauty technician is a brutal ex-FARC soldier and he adds hair instead of removing it. This is very fashionable, we’re told.
And with that highly personal revelation we come to the end. So long, Dear Readers, and thanks for all the good times.
Ever known the pillowed delights of a Hairymanistani harem? Let us know: firstname.lastname@example.org
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