But anyway, the worst thing about getting older is the alarming speed at which youth vanishes. Ours disappeared faster than a cupcake tossed, grenade-like, into an Overeaters Anonymous meeting.
It seems like it was just yesterday that Techeye was a strapping paragon of virility, wrestling bloodthirsty vicunas in the wilds of South America. In startling contrast, here’s what we actually did last Wednesday: babysat a sick child, wore a bathrobe for 18 hours and, come evening, sipped red wine and stuffed cheese-flavored crackers into our face while reading our new favorite blog, The Feminist Breeder (“where edgy feminism finds modern motherhood”).
From man’s man to modern mom, all in a single decade.
We’re being melodramatic, yes. But when a man finds himself nodding in agreement while reading a “lactivist manifesto,” it’s probably time to have the estrogen levels checked.
A doctor’s appointment has been made, but in the meantime Techeye is trying to butch up with some manly – or at least man-childy – technology, such as the Attacknids from Wow Stuff (Combatcreatures.com).
Attacknids are six-legged, 10-inch tall battling robots with destructible armor and a choice of three weapons that fire up to 30 feet. If you’ve ever dreamed of commanding a fearsome army of unstoppable, vaguely insectoid robots, well, you’ll be disappointed. Still, these are about as close as you’re going to get to that dream today.
Here’s how they work: you send your Attacknids up against enemy units and if one gets hit three times, it automatically shuts down. According to Wow Stuff, the remote control system’s 2.4 GHz processor will let you battle with up to 40 robots. On the other hand, each robot costs £70, so you (or your friends) need a hefty £2,800 if you want to see a battle that large.
Speaking of expensive fun, let’s look at the HotTug (Hottug.nl), the “world’s first wood-fired hot tub boat.” That’s right – a hot tub and a boat. That’s probably the best product-combination since Mmmvelopes brought bacon flavor to the envelope.
The HotTug holds around 2,000 liters of water and up to eight people. Or 1,000 liters and four Tongans. Six variants are available, ranging from E8,950 for a just-the-hull model to E16,450 for the E-power+ version, which boasts an integrated electric motor with four batteries and a stainless steel wood-burning heater that warms the water to 38°C. All it really lacks are a beer cooler and harem.
Last up this week is something a little less masculine. Ok … it’s a lot less masculine.
Behold, the Swarovski HYLA GST (Hyla-us.com), an irresistibly bejeweled icon of domestic divinity. Or, to put it more plainly, it’s a hybrid vacuum cleaner / air purifier that uses water as a filter (GST stands for geyser separator technology). The system forces dirty air through a water bath, trapping the naff stuff and returning clean air to the environment.
Most importantly, this ultra high-end version of the HYLA has been encrusted with 32,000 Swarovski crystals by fabulously named German firm “Bling-my-Thing.” Of course all that shiny comes at a cost: $21,900, to be precise.
Let’s be honest – a man owning a bejeweled vacuum cleaner is probably a man suffering a bad case of testiculus disappearus. On the other hand, the Swarovski HYLA GST is sure to impress the ladies, at least a few of them, somewhere. And that’s kind of manly … right?
Ever suffered a crisis of manhood? Let us know: firstname.lastname@example.org
From Warsaw Business Journal
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