Every day, it seems, Techeye reads about the miraculous power of the iPhone. Every damned day. Not long ago there was a story about a woman who narrowly avoided joining a Good-Book-of-the-month cult, thanks to a loony-detector app on her phone. The next day we read the stirring account of Stroppy Bob, who fell out of an airplane, landed on an iPhone (and its owner), and lived to tell the tale.

“Is there anything this gadget can’t do?” we recently wailed to our awfully wedded wench.

She thought for a moment before replying. “It’s rubbish for voodoo. Stick a pin in it and see – only one you’re hurting is yourself.”

She’s a smart woman, Techeye’s wench is. And she got us thinking – what other things is the iPhone rubbish at? We decided to approach the matter scientifically by crafting a list of hypotheses and setting out to disprove them.

Courtesy of Withings

Our hypotheses:
1) An iPhone makes a great companion for fish.
2) When flame broiled, an iPhone can satisfy any appetite.
3) If you record a detailed list of all your greatest sins on an iPhone and launch it in the Pope’s general direction during a public address using a high-tech trebuchet, then your sins are instantly absolved and you can commit, like, 20 new ones before God notices.

On the basis of our scientific investigation, we can say with confidence that all three of these hypotheses are false. Oh, and we learned a few other things as well: the Swiss Guards have no sense of humor and they don’t appreciate anyone lobbing wet, charred phones at their beloved pontiff.

Enough about that, though. Here’s something that the iPhone does in a blessedly mundane fashion – monitor your baby. Provided you’ve got a Smart Baby Monitor from Withings (withings.com), that is.

The Smart Baby Monitor is an iPhone peripheral, with a three-megapixel, wide-angle video sensor, a sensitive microphone and a speaker so you can shout “Don’t eat the brown stuff!” as you sprint towards to the baby’s room. The monitoring program can be set to alert you to changes in movement, sound, temperature and humidity.

Withings’ gadget also works with the iPad and iPod Touch. Baby not included, although with the £299 price tag you’d be forgiven for wondering.

The iPhone is also good for playing music, which you probably know already. But did you know it’s good for playing music on absurdly expensive speakers?

Courtesy of Jarre Technologies

Take a gander at the AeroSystem One, a dock speaker for the iPod or iPhone from Jarre Technologies (jarre.com). At a cost of just £799 and a little self respect – you’re buying a speaker from Jean Michel Jarre, after all – you get 240° sound dispersion (with built-in 3D enhancement filters, whatever that means), two 30w high-def tweeters and a 60w subwoofer. And it’s shaped like one of those barrier posts that airport security always uses.

If that’s not rich enough for you, the company has just announced an ultra-swank version of the AeroSystem One made of crystal from Lalique. “To create this piece of work, 13 master glass-blowers blow, cut and polish crystal with their expert hands,” Jarre Technologies is boasting.

In other words, the company has hired guys who can blow crystal with their frickin hands. And that – iPhone or no iPhone – is truly miraculous.

Ever been beaten like a rented mule by the Swiss Guard? Let us know: techeye.wbj@gmail.com