Courtesy of LG

There exist things not meant for human eyes. Visions so horrific that they sear the mind.

Imagine a pitch-black night full of ominous forebodings. A strange thickness in the air. And then – an obese transvestite spewing chunks down the side of your car.

It gets worse. You recognize the transvestite as your high-school geometry teacher. Old lessons about degenerate polynomials and perturbed vectors instantly make a kind of horrible sense. You scramble, then fall up the stairs to your second-storey home, ready to quaff as many beers as necessary to erase sulfurous memories of a latex-garbed, spew-spattered mathematician. But tragedy awaits you in the kitchen – the refrigerator is broken and your spouse has thrown its contents away. Including all the beer.

That, dear readers, is the personal hell which Techeye visited last week. Suffice it to say that we’re looking for a new refrigerator, a talented therapist and possibly an exorcist. The only good news is that we’ve found a strong candidate for the former.

Behold, the latest beer-storage unit from LG (lg.com). This is the Korean firm’s largest-capacity French-door refrigerator, with a respectable 31 cubic feet of space. Indeed, the fresh-food compartment alone can hold over 50 gallons of lager.

The unit is energy efficient, has a “bonus drawer” (whatever that is) and its freezer boasts a Smart Pull Handle, a feature presumably aimed at refrigerator owners who aren’t smart and have difficulty pulling. But the real selling point here is the Blast Chiller (pictured) – a separate drawer that cools a room-temperature can of beer in five to eight minutes.

LG hasn’t revealed the price of this fridge, but it’s not going to be cheap and it’s too big for Techeye’s apartment, unless we knock down a load-bearing wall or two.

Courtesy of Native Union

Along with a new refrigerator, we’re also interested in the Play video memo from Native Union (nativeunion.com). Not because it’s awesome or extraordinarily well-crafted, but because it seems like a good way to remind our wench that she should never throw beer away. Ever.

The Play has a magnet on the back, so you can affix it at eye level for whomever you wish to remind not to throw away your beer (or cheese or whatever). It has a 2.4-inch color screen, holds up to three minutes of video and only has three buttons, making it a good choice for the Smart Pull Handle demographic. Cost: $60.

And now for something completely different – iBallz, “the original universal tablet stabilizing & shock absorbing harness” from Friendly Integration (iballz.info).

In essence, this is four rubber balls connected by a cord. The balls fit on the corners of your tablet, elevating it from potential spills and dirt, as well as protecting it from falls (on flat surfaces). It’s not a high-tech solution, but it eliminates a number of risks and only costs $20.

Courtesy of Friendly Integration

On the other hand it introduces the risk of ridicule. Consider what happens when you try to say “my iBallz” too fast – it becomes “myBallz,” that’s what happens. Who knows what snigger-worthy statements might come out in the heat of the moment. Things like “Darn, one of myBallz fell off again” or “Mom, the dog is chewing on myBallz!” perhaps. Consider yourself warned.

Still, these iBallz will never betray you, never scar your psyche by seeing things which must not be seen. That’s definitely a point in their favor.