A tremendous evil has descended upon the Techeye household, an ancient gimp-eyed creature with sharp talons and a single, crusty nostril. It knocked on our door and, in a fit of regrettable naïveté, we opened without first peeking through the eyehole. And there it was – the Dweller in the Depths. The Whisperer in Darkness.

Mom.

Why has this dank-haired monstrosity moved into Techeye’s home? One fateful night, in a fit of sober rage (brought about by the fact we’d drunk all the whiskey in the house), our wench invited her to stay with us. For a month.

Hell hath no fury like a wench bereft of whiskey.

In order to endure this Mom-pocalypse, Techeye has adopted several survival strategies. First of all, we’ve taken to carrying a bag of beef jerky with us at all times. Whenever the beast becomes enraged (often in the period between morning coffee and mid-morning tequila) we toss bits of dried beef at her and cower between the dishwasher and the sink until the gnashing of terrible teeth is done.

Second, no showers. The beast often lurks in or near the bathroom (where lies her primary source of water).

And finally, our most cunning tactic – offer her gifts which can only be unpacked and used in her own home, thus tempting her to withdraw before the month is done.

The first of these is the Neato XV-11, a self-guiding robot vacuum which, according to creator Neato Robotics, “over time and with consistent use … is even more thorough than humans.” Unless you kidnap a pool boy, force feed him amphetamines and make him vacuum your living room incessantly. But even then it would probably be a close contest.

In comparison to its main competition, the better-established but round Roomba, the Neato XV-11 literally has the edge in getting dirt up from corners and walls. It’s apparently faster as well, but louder. When it comes to scaring the bejesus out of your pets, the XV-11’s greater decibel level probably wins out (although you can install Angela Merkel on top of either gadget to increase the pet-horrification factor).

The other item we’ve sacrificed to our depraved parent-creature is the Mini-e Home Entertainment Center, a fancy new computer from eMachines which boasts of the “excellent airflow around the CPU” and “soft ambient green glow.” If that’s not enough for you, the Mini-e can be hooked up to a monitor or TV and can access movies, photos, music and other online entertainment.

We’re confident that the lack of monitor will thoroughly confuse our technologically unclined mother. She’ll undoubtedly harangue our extended family into setting the computer up, which is a nice added bonus.

The Neato XV-11 runs about $400 (zł.1,354) while the Mini-e is available for $299 (zł.1,015), but don’t tell Mom. She thinks they’re each worth 1,000 bags of jerky.

Ever used an Angela Merkel-equipped vacuum to frighten your pet? Let us know: techeye@wbj.pl