Courtesy of Logitech

The end of the Winter Olympics this year was, as always, a time of great sadness for Techeye. Yet again we were unsuccessful in executing the Holy Grail of sports pranking – putting itching powder in the athletes’ uniforms. There’s nothing funnier than a ski-jumper trying to scratch his nether-region in mid-air, on international TV.

Not only did we fail there, but we also have to endure another four years of our wench incessantly carping that only a feat of true athletic prowess will earn our son’s respect. The boy has two loves – winter sports and authoritarianism – but we don’t even rule our own living room, let alone other lands, so that pretty much leaves us with the former.

Given our manifest lack of muscle, discipline and coordination, there’s only one winter sport we’d ever have a chance at – curling. After all, in what other sport can a bald former ice-maker with a beer gut take home the gold?

Yeah, we’re talking about you, Kevin Martin (Canada). Keep living the dream, man.

In all honesty though, we’ll probably never even meet the lowly physical standards required for curling, so we’ve resigned ourself to making a pretense of effort, just to keep the wife happy. As such we’re starting a new exercise regimen and the first thing we’ve done is order a beefy new remote control for the TV – Logitech’s Harmony 650. Seriously, this thing is a solid chunk of tech; lifting it will undoubtedly do wonders for the place where our tricep is supposedly located.

Courtesy of Sanyo

The best thing about the remote? The “one-click activity button.” We’re not entirely sure what that means, but it sounds like it was specifically designed with the lazy in mind. Or the one-fingered.

Toting the Harmony 650 around should keep our domestic ogress off our back for a month or two, so we’ve scheduled the delivery of another “training” item for early May. We’re talking about Sanyo’s kookily named “Eneloop Bike,” a breed of electric hybrid bicycle that recharges itself while being used.

In essence, you charge the bike’s battery by going down hills, then spend that energy going up the next slope. We’ll be able to ride off to the local shop, buy a load of beer and a bottle of water (dousing ourself with the latter), then ride home. After we’ve exercised so hard, how could our sweet crone begrudge us a six-pack or two?

The Eneloop retails for around $1,800. The Harmony 650 will set you back about $99. Tricking your wife into believing you’re exercising? Priceless About $1,899.