For her: Cheaper than jewelry, less dangerous than silverware Courtesy of Fuji Film

Ah, love. So sweet, so powerful. So often necessitating shots of penicillin.

Techeye is a romantic at heart, an ardent paramour of the very concept of love, yet we despise Valentine’s Day, with its unabashed commercialism. There is no greater sham holiday in the calendar in our opinion, no other socially acceptable occasion when people go all soft in the head and start frothing at the mouth – with the possible exception of World Rabies Day (September 28). And don’t get us started on the symbolism, with the creepy babies flapping about, sniping indiscriminately at strangers’ hearts and buttocks.

There are, in fact, only two things which Techeye dislikes more than Valentine’s Day. The first is old people who think playing with their dentures can somehow be comedic. It can’t. And the second is bog roll covered in cute animal print. Is there anyone who, upon consideration, honestly thinks that befouling puppy likenesses is a good idea?

If you just thought “yes,” congratulations, you are probably a sociopath.

Regardless of our distaste for Valentine’s Day, Techeye is always willing to suggest occasion-appropriate technology. For men looking to get something for a special lady, but too cheap/bored/scared to buy jewelry, we’d recommend Fujifilm’s new FinePix Z70 camera. This gadget is suggestively slim and boasts a 12 megapixel resolution, a 5x optical zoom and HD image capture capability.

The FinePix Z70 also comes equipped with a “YouTube/Facebook easy web upload facility,” in case she’s into that kind of thing. Most importantly, however, it comes in a number of suitably feminine colors, some of which will complement the Manolo Blahniks you’ll probably end up buying for her birthday. It runs $149.95 (zł.424.15).

For ladies searching for a sweet present for their men, we’d suggest [censored] with a gas-powered [censored] and then [censored]. If you’re morally opposed to that sort of thing, there’s always the YikeBike, a modern-day successor to the penny-farthing bike of the late 1800s.

While it might sound like something out of a Dr Seuss book, the YikeBike is an exceedingly real piece of kit. It has a carbon composite frame and its electric battery keeps the rider moving at around 20 km an hour. Altogether it weighs less than 10 kg, meaning he’ll be able to carry plenty of shopping bags in addition to the bike.

It costs between €3,500-3,900 (zł.13,876-15,462). As an added bonus, the vehicle is practically guaranteed to safeguard the fidelity of your relationship – no sane woman would put the words “sexy” and “YikeBiker” together in her head.