Courtesy of Dyson

There are many things in life which suck. Suckerfish. Toothless old people who have lost their dentures. Perhaps aardvarks. Definitely Techeye’s uncle Vanya, who was struck by a banana truck when he was 17 and, thereafter, convinced he was part leech, would spend whole afternoons latched onto the wall in the living room, attempting to drain it of “wall juice.”

Poor uncle Vanya. His end came one day when he unwisely chose to slurp on a wall socket.

Suckage (a word best pronounced in the original French) is a largely scholarly topic, if the internet is anything to judge by. You can find long and detailed disquisitions on it and blogs dedicated to it. In fact, in researching the topic Techeye became aware that many things which we had previously felt neutral about, or even considered relatively interesting, in fact suck – speedwalking, toupees, broccoli, sponge husbandry and Mechagodzilla, for example.

Why all the negative oral fixation this week? No reason in particular. Perhaps it’s the sense of impending doom we’re feeling as autumn and winter approach, or possibly it’s the patch of gray back hair we sprouted recently.

Whatever the underlying reason, we decided to pursue the theme as closely as possible. Hence this week’s gadget is the latest offering from “the king of suck” (a pet name which we ourself have coined), Sir James Dyson.

The Dyson DC31 is being marketed as a small, light, uber-powerful handvac. The company claims the new machine has the fastest motor in the world, turning at 104,000 rpm. Apparently that’s faster than an F1 race-car engine and a meth-addicted gazelle combined, but marginally slower than a woman slipping chocolate into a grocery cart.

Beware: vacuuming parts of your (or someone else’s) body with this or any Dyson unit is likely to end in personal tragedy. And internet infamy.

The DC31 gives up something for its power, however – it’s only got a 10-minute
battery life. This limitation means you have to approach vacuuming a bit more tactically than usual, which we suppose might be fun if you’re a huge dork.

Dyson’s newest comes in two models, the DC31 and the DC31 Animal (pictured), which run £129.99 (zł.607.74) and £149.99 (zł.701.25) respectively. The latter unit is pricier because it comes equipped with a motorized brushbar and pivoting soleplate.

We have no idea what a soleplate is, but, in more than one sense of the word, it probably sucks.